


The Darkness

by missmarymakeup93



Series: Skam One-Shots [1]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Kissing, Love, M/M, Manic Episode, Suicidal Thoughts, Sweet, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-29 07:40:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11436252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmarymakeup93/pseuds/missmarymakeup93
Summary: And he whispers to me his own woes and stinging sadness, I whispered back to him, sell me your loneliness and I'll replace them with dreams. Sell me your sadness and I'll replace it with unburdened joy.Even's bipolar episode from his POV.





	The Darkness

I knew consciously what I was doing as I raced out of the hotel room and into the cold streets of Oslo. I knew I shouldn't but I just couldn't help it. My feet moved without me knowing how to stop them. I had felt the manic episode slowly creep up from underneath my skin. It made me itchy and I knew I should have told someone, anyone really but Isak needed someone strong. Someone stable to love him and I wanted to be that person. I wanted to be anything and everything he needed. So I stopped taking my meds. I wanted to be normal for him. 

But as I lay here in this bed, in a room that I hated because Isak wasn't here I wanted to die. Its so dark in my head, the thoughts that raced through every facet of my brain made me hurt. Made my brain throb and my body ache. My eyes burned with unshed tears as I sobbed into my pillow. Isak didn't want to be around me. He didn't care anymore. I was broken, and I was alone. 

I had sent Isak lyrics to Cherry Wine by Nas. I don't know why really, it's just one of my favorite songs. Hoping maybe he would understand subconsciously. But his response had absolutely wrecked me. 

'Hi Even, I don't understand shit right now. Stop texting me.'

I cried for probably six hours. So much so, my eyes dried and all I could do was dry heave. Sonja had come to check on me but her touch burned me. Everyone's touch burned me and I just wanted to sleep. Wanted to wake up and have Isak by my side. I wanted to just disappear. 

I was right, Only way to have something for infinite time, is by loosing it. Even through my mania I knew it was the truth. I knew once he figured it out he would leave me. Never had I felt like this before, this utter darkness eating me inside out. Completely ravaging my entire soul. I wanted to die. I didn't want to live in a world where I couldn't have Isak, where I couldn't feel happiness like that again. 

I pulled clothes on for the first time in six days. They felt like daggers against my skin. But I gritted through the pain and moved to find my shoes. They felt like lead on my feet, anchoring me to the ground. It took absolutely all my energy to move myself out of the door and down the street. 

I needed to visit it one last time. I spot where I first saw Isak. Where I fell in love. But I wanted to say goodbye to Isak too. In a way that wouldn't alarm him but in a way that I said what I wanted. As I reached the school I blindly walked through the doors and into the cafeteria. I sat gingerly on the stool I sat on, on that first day I noticed him. I pulled out my phone and starting typing. 

'Dear Isak, I’m now sitting at the place where we met each other for the first time and I’m thinking about you.  Soon it’ll be 21.21.  I want to tell you a thousand things.  Sorry for scaring you.  Sorry for hurting you.  Sorry for not telling you that I am bipolar.  I was afraid of losing you.  I’d forgotten that it’s not possible to lose someone, that all people are alone anyway.  In a different place in the universe we are together for all eternity, remember that.  Love you.  Even.'

Tears streaked my phone and cheeks as I pressed send. I didn't even wait to see if it had been read before I broke down in to full on sobs. I could feel bile collect in the back of my throat as I scurried to a garbage can and threw up whatever was left in my stomach. 

I dried my face and wiped my mouth and I stuffed my phone into my pocket. I moved back through the school, taking in everything. I passed by Isak's locker. Touching my fore-head to it, my heart died a little more inside my chest. Everything in this school reminded me of Isak. I saw his smiling face behind every corner. 

A smile I would never see again. But one I had falsely been graced had he known everything he wouldn't have even passed a second glance. I moved closer to the door, and every single step hurt. It was one step closer to leaving Isak behind. And no matter what I said or did, that's was what hurt the most. Leaving him. Even though he had left me already. 

I stepped out of the door, the cold air hit me like a ton of bricks and I felt the air knock out of me when a wisp of air made me look up. He was beautiful, like always. Panic filtered through his eyes as he stared straight into my soul. 

My feet started moving as I watched him get closer. The moment he touched me I could see the surface. I could catch my breath in a way I hadn't recently. As he cradled me in his arms I felt my body warm. The cold that bore into me disapated and I relaxed. 

His kiss was soft and scared like he would break me. And I never knew a more tender moment in my life. He still didn't understand what this meant. He didn't understand what being with someone like me meant. And in that moment of self doubt he blew me away with four words that never sounded more genuine coming from a pair of lips. 

'You are not alone.' 

I wanted to believe him. And in the days that followed as he wrapped himself around me and whispered beautiful things to me I hated him for it. I wanted to be away. I wanted to move away from him but I knew that would hurt him. And that's the last thing I wanted to do. 

'I know this isn't going to work out. I'm just going to hurt you. And then you will hate me.'

I said it. The anger in me bubbled up and I exploded at myself for doing what I didn't want to do. But his response was something I wasn't expecting to come from him. It sounded mean but not in a asshole kinda way. 

'You don't know shit. You don't know how this is going to end. We could all die tomorrow and then what?' 

'We have to chill. Take it minute by minute. Isak and Even Minute by Minute.' 

My heart smiled a little bit. He was being so chill. So caring. And his lips against mine felt like how it had the first time. How I hoped it always feel. 

Having him go back to school sucked. And the constant hovering of Linn and Eskild though wore thin quickly but deep down I knew it was a good jester. And as another day passed I felt the bitter sadness return as Isak went to school. As he left the bed we shared. 

It wasn't depression sadness, it was pure sadness. Real sadness. Like a part of me left with him and I wouldn't get it back till he returned. So instead of dwelling on it, I got up and showered. I put on his clothes and the smell of Isak wrapped around me. Made me feel safe. I pulled myself into the living room and asked Linn if she wanted to play a game of FIFA.

I hadn't laughed like this in over a week and I loved it. Linn was a sore looser and terrible at FIFA. Linn lost her third round to me when Isak walked in. And I smiled the best smile I could muster up at him. I could see the happiness in his eyes and it warmed me. I hadn't felt anything like this in what felt like years. I missed Isak. 

He walked towards me and kissed me soundly on the lips. The smile that graced his face never left and I turned on to my side. 

"I wrote you something. I felt like my normal pictures we not good enough." I spoke with my hand pressed against his cheek. 

"Well read it to me." Isak moved his hand to my cheek and stroked it gently.

I moved to pull out the crumpled piece of paper from my pocket. It was tear stained and messy but the words written on it spoke volumes and I hoped Isak understood that. 

"What I wouldn't give to run my hands over your translucent frame. To feel the sugary and salty layers of your kiss. To wrap myself in the ideals of you, and swim forever in the cerulean waters of your eyes. He was born in the heart of winter, but has the warmest heart of any man I've ever seen. He is the rain to my thunder; enticing and cooling. He grazed my hands as I was falling down to nevermind and gave me the strength to pull myself up. Like the seasons, he's beautiful and complex. He's awakened a serenity inside of me that everyone before has failed to draw forth. And he whispers to me his own woes and stinging sadness, I whispered back to him, sell me your loneliness and I'll replace them with dreams. Sell me your sadness and I'll replace it with unburdened joy." I could feel the sob tear from my throat and burn my ears and he moved to kiss the tears from my cheeks. 

"Even Bech Næsheim, I love you. I'll always love you. Through every single darkness that threatens to take you from me. Through every obstacle we face, we face together." Isak had tears in his eyes as he tried to calm me with his words. 

I blindly found his lips as I desperately pressed against him. His mouth ever as eager to meet mine. I kissed him breathlessly as we cried together. Hands gripping each other's cheeks in a desperation that was nothing new to me. 

"You rescued me." Isak's words were whispered against my lips. 

"You rescued me right back." I pressed forward to wrap my arms around the younger boy. 

I'd always have this illness. I knew that, I could never be healthy. But I had Isak, I had love. And even on the darkest days when the world seems lost and I am drowning under every single thing that haunts me, I'll have Isak to hold me afloat. To save me from myself.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it. Comments are lovely. ❤


End file.
